How to meet people at a party

It's kind of funny. I don't consider myself a "partier", I actually consider myself fairly socially anxious and generally not good at meeting and connecting with people. Yet one of the most common things I hear is "I won't know anyone at that party..." or "I'm not good at meeting new people". And you know what? I get it. It wasn't that long ago that parties were incredibly hard for me.

Parties can be a stressful time for anyone. Chances are there are tens, if not hundreds, of people there, most of whom you don't know. Add on top of that some sort of expectation of meeting new people and socializing with complete strangers who you seemingly have nothing in common with. And, if you're single for whatever reason we place some weird thought that we are going to meet the partner of our dreams at a party (Ha! Thanks for that one TV...). We put so much pressure in our heads of our own expectations to socialize, and even what the evening should turn out like. With so much pressure its obvious why parties can be so stressful for most people.

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A little over a year ago I went through a HUGE change in my life. I had recently finished school and moved to Vancouver. Transitioning from "student" to "employee" was definitely difficult to get used to (I still haven't figured it out...) and after years of being in a relationship and having "couple friends" I found myself in a new city with a very small social circle.

For those of you who don't know me that well, I had (and still do have) tons of self esteem and social anxiety problems. I didn't think I was good enough, so how could some random stranger possibly see anything but the bad parts of me, which in my opinion were so glaringly obvious. Going to a party seemed way too daunting, and talking to strangers while trying to cover and hide my insecurities seemed like way too much energy. I was afraid and my social anxieties were preventing me from growing as a person.

A good friend of mine from high-school had invited me to a party. I was nervous, I didn't know anyone else at this party and I've never been great at meeting people at parties. At the time I didn't feel that good about myself, and if I didn't like myself how could I possibly be good enough for other people to like me? I was afraid of being judged and I was letting that fear control my social experiences. I've got to admit, I almost bailed--I'd bailed on previous parties before that one--but with great trepidation I headed off to the party to try and have fun...

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It's easy to see how when we place so much pressure on "having fun" at a party we make it extremely difficult to have fun. Add on top of that our fear of being judged and our own social anxieties and insecurities and going to a party may seem incredibly daunting. Removing some of our expectations definitely makes this easier, and beyond that there are "tricks" to make the party easier for you.

Let's deal with one fallacy now: for the most part people aren't judging you. Well they are, but they are only judging you as much as you judge them. As long as you are a decent human being chances are you will pass their initial "test". But here is the big point: the only person you are not good enough for is you. Even if you meet someone and you feel judged by them, don't worry about that asshat. Besides, you don't want to be friends with a judgemental dick face that you're constantly trying to impress anyways. The trick will be to find the people that "fit" you (don't try to be someone you're not just to impress people) and not worry about the people that don't; the people you want to be friends with will be accepting of you.

Some people really are just good at meeting new people, just walking up to random people and starting a conversation. I know, I'm jealous of it too. You hear things like "oh he's just naturally social" or "she was always a social butterfly when she was a kid". Well, as far as I know there is no "social gene", these people are good conversationalists because they've had a lot of practice. If they were outgoing kids, they've been talking to people, and often "random people", their whole lives. The rest of us, well we have a little more difficulty doing this.

I know it's difficult. It still makes me laugh a little when I hear things like "well it's easy for you, you're a social person..." or "you make it look so easy, I can't do that...". Honestly, not that long ago neither could I. Here are some of the things that I have done and how I "survive" at a party; I've managed to meet a lot of amazing people this way and grown my friends from one person to an entire network (and in fact, now a few different "groups" of friends). I don't know if this is the best advice for everyone, it works for me, and hopefully it will help anyone who doesn't "know how to talk to random people at parties".

1. Make goals for the party... then throw them away

I've gotta admit, I did some reading before writing this post to see what other people recommend for "surviving an adult party". Most of what I read had at least one recommendation in common: have a goal for the evening. For example, if you want to meet new people set a goal of talking to "x" number of strangers throughout the evening. That way you can take your mind off of the stresses of the situation and focus on your goal.

Personally, I think this is a dumb idea. Having a goal for the party only sets expectations and adds to the stresses of going to the party in the first place. So take any expectations you have for any party and throw them away. I tend to go to a party with the attitude of "let's see where the night takes me" and I usually come away from parties having had a TON of fun. So take any expectations and throw them away, give in to the idea that you can't really control anything that happens at the party, and you especially can't control what other people think. So you have a choice to make: give into your fear and stay home, or let go of your fear and expectations and go in with the mindset of just "experiencing something new".

2. Have a "Thunder Buddy"

Having a friend (or a few friends) at a party makes it significantly easier. Now you have a friendly face, someone that you are comfortable with, to make sure that the party is a fun experience for both of you. A drinking buddy, a conversation partner, a lifeline to provide a bubble of comfort in this stressful, chaotic environment. The goal is to throughout the night to build additional "anchor points"  to make the evening easier; if you can start out with a friendly face already there, the party can become significantly easier for you.

3. Make like a root beer and float

It is important to have a Thunder Buddy (or several) at a party so that you have some friendly faces to provide comfort. However, it is easy to then segregate yourself off and just stay with your friends, and while this is comfortable, you are effectively letting your fear prevent you from different experiences.

Personally, I think it is important to "float" through a party; bounce from group to group, meeting people, having interesting conversations, and generally just seeing where the evening takes me. I know, this is the difficult part, to leave the comfort of your friend(s) and put yourself out there for people to potentially "judge". Plus how do you even start a conversation with someone that you apparently have nothing in common with?

Well, I hate to break it to you, but this is the hard part. Everything we've talked about up till now has been about tempering expectations, giving you the tools you need to succeed, and now it's time to put them to work. Don't worry, this isn't (hopefully) just another "suck it up you wuss, just magically change the way you think instantly and go talk to people". Well, your brain doesn't work like that. My brain doesn't work like that. I can't just "switch off" my anxieties, but I do have tools to deal with them.

Also, usually there is lots of stuff going on at a party. Getting in on a game of flip cup or beer pong, or even just watching these games, is an easy, low pressure way to meet people. You'll never be involved in these things if you stand in the corner by yourself all night!

4. The art of entering a conversation

Starting a conversation is hard. I'm a reasonably social person now (I wasn't a year ago), but even I have trouble walking up to a complete stranger and saying something more interesting than "Nice weather we're having huh?". But there are tricks, ESPECIALLY at a party.

The easiest way is to join a conversation that is already going. Find a group of people that are already in conversation (a "medium" sized group will probably work best) and join them, wait until a breaking point in the conversation then turn to the person next to you and say "Sorry, I didn't catch your name, I'm Nick." Well guess what, you just introduced yourself to someone AND "broke the ice" to start a new conversation all in one easy little sentence. On top of that you didn't have to put pressure on yourself to think of something witty or interesting and the conversation can naturally go from there. Not to mention, you can probably find a tangent from the original topic to start your new conversation.

Finding a random topic of conversation that you are both interested in is never easy. Well that is where story telling comes in. When you are telling a story, you don't have to be particularly insightful, you don't even have to think that much because you are basically just remembering something that happened. And it will (usually) keep someone engaged with what you are saying. If you joined a conversation you may even have a story that is relevant to the topic. The funny thing is, if you share a story, chances are, the other person will then share a related story with you. Don't look now, but you have a full blown conversation going!

These conversations will go easier as time goes on; remember, even the people who seem really good at conversations are only really good because they have had more practice! You might not be comfortable sharing a story or really going beyond small talk at first, and that is OK too. These first conversations often aren't about making lasting connections, they are a feeling out process for both you and the other person. You don't have to be best friends after a 5 minute conversation, but hopefully you now have at least another friendly-ish face at the party.

5. "What was your name again?"

Not everyone you talk to will be a perfect (or even a good) mesh with you and your personality. However, there will be some people that seem like really cool or really good people that you get along with. Jackpot! Those are the exact people you came here to meet! The first thing I can suggest is to make an effort to learn (and remember) their name. I am terrible with names, especially at parties (I know a lot of people are the same way). When I meet someone that seems like a cool person, I make an effort to learn and remember their name so that if I see them later in the evening I can say "Hey Derek! How's the party going?" or something along those lines. In my mind, I have differentiated them from all the other people at the party and am moving on to the next step of "friendship". Funny thing, people are generally a LOT more accepting and friendly when you make an effort to be friendly with them. Making the effort to remember someone's name is definitely a friendly gesture on your part and will help you make connections at the party.

As you make these connections, it has an "unexpected" but obvious side effect. Remember how we talked about how it is good to have Thunder Buddies? Well guess what, now that you've made a more significant connection with this awesome person that used to be a stranger, you have a new Thunder Buddy for the evening!

6. Escape as needed

Here's another blatant truth: not all conversations are going to be "fun" or "easy". You don't have to be everyone's friend, you just may not have a lot in common with someone, or you may find that their personality just rubs you the wrong way (or yours them). I placed so much importance in bouncing from group to group on meeting people and having a "successful" party for yourself because it kind of is a numbers game. The more people you talk to the more likely it is that you meet someone awesome!

You definitely don't want to talk to people until you reach a point where you are just standing looking at each other until one of you inevitably says "Well, I'm leaving now...". Even conversations with friends will eventually peter out. Having a couple tricks to get away from a conversation is good too.

First, don't just dip mid conversation. That's just rude. Wait for a natural break in conversation, then throw out one of these beauts...

"Aw man, I need to grab a new drink. I'll catch up with you later"

"I need to find where [insert friends name] went, talk later?"

"Aw man, I should have never broken the seal!! Nice chatting with you, see you around!"

"I'm starting to get a little cold, I think I'm going to head inside"

Or something along those lines. The point is two-fold: if you're trying to be social, standing around making awkward small talk with the same person all night is not social. On top of that, if you are trying to have fun, standing around making awkward small talk with the same person all night is not fun. Don't try to push conversations too far, when you feel like it is time to move on, politely excuse yourself and move on.

7. Use your anchors

 By the middle of the evening you've hopefully found at least one or two people that you're semi-comfortable walking up to and asking how its going, as well as your friends that you came with. Well, this is where we start putting it together: you just left a conversation that wasn't going too well, looking for something new you see your friend talking to a couple people, you walk over, wait for a break, ask your friend how its going, and (s)he introduces you to the new group. See how it gets easier? This is the importance of anchor points and of not bunching up at the party. Approach the party this way and your network will grow exponentially. At the next party instead of 1 or 2 anchor points, you have 5 or 6 and can easily bounce between different groups of people as you please.

8. Be awesome

This is another point that may seem a little wishy washy. What I mean here is try your best NOT to judge. Remember that each of these people are not you. They have their own morals and ideals, they had their own upbringings, and they have their own foibles and insecurities. Nobody wants to be judged, but my theory is when you feel judged by someone, it is then going to be your tendency to judge others to try and pump yourself up in your own mind ("I'm not that bad, I'm clearly better than that guy!"). Try and approach every situation with no expectations and an appreciation for the fact that everyone is different. You don't necessarily have to agree with them, but you do have to respect that they are not a clone of you.

This alone will go a LONG way towards earning other people's respect and friendship. This will make them more comfortable with you (remember it's a two way street) and will make those conversations easier. Remember, as cliche as it is "treat others the way you'd wish to be treated" is especially true. Don't waste your time on people that aren't awesome, but at the same time, don't expect people to waste their time on you if you are not awesome. The cold truth is that no one wants to be friends with a negative, judgemental douche.

As you become more comfortable your personality will shine through. Embrace it. Are you the dance machine? Go for it! Like telling jokes and making people laugh? Let that side of you shine through! People won't remember the menial small talk, they will remember the small moments that make the night "epic" like that crazy battle rap or that guy that randomly started doing back flips. As you feel more and more comfortable don't be afraid to let some of your personality shine through. This is where parties go from a "stressful experience" to insanely fun.

9. Say goodbye

This last one is just something that I do, I think it makes a difference. In fact maybe I shouldn't tell you this secret and just keep it for myself, but I think it makes a difference. This is the easiest one to do too: say goodbye. If I've met someone at a party who I think is an awesome person, I make a point of going to them at the end of the night and saying goodbye.

It's kind of weird, I've actually read advice that says specifically NOT to do this as it leaves the evening on a "down" note. By announcing that you are leaving you are affecting the energy negatively, if you slip away without people noticing the energy goes unchanged. I see where this is coming from, but I still don't agree. Thinking that just me leaving could effect a party that much is incredibly egotistical. I mean, I am full of myself, but I am not that full of myself...

I like to say goodbye to people because for me it's a way of showing that the time I spent with that person is more meaningful than the other interactions that I had that night. It's a way of showing respect; that I enjoyed spending time with you so I want to go out of my way to demonstrate that in some way. It also has two other benefits: 1. It lets you tie up any loose ends throughout the evening, like trading numbers with that awesome dude so that the two of you can go climbing sometime, and 2. As I mentioned, by showing the other person that respect, you will stick out in their mind as an awesome person the next time you meet.

In fact, I didn't even think of this one until the last party I went to, I went to say goodbye to a friend and her response was "Aww... You actually came down to say goodbye!". I didn't even realize it, but something so simple as saying goodbye to someone can mean a lot.

Once you have a few friendly faces at a party it becomes significantly easier to float around and meet new people. You might not always know everyone at a party, and you may even find yourself at a few parties where you know no one. It's not easy, but this is what I did to grow my group of friends and have been lucky enough to meet LOTS of interesting people at parties. If you have trouble talking to people at parties hopefully some of these things will work for you. And if you see me at a party, come say hi! I'll introduce you to some people...