I never understood feminism...

I have to admit, I never understood feminism.

Well, it’s not that I never understood it, but to me too often the rhetoric seemed to be men bashing and polarizing the movement into “Women vs. Men”. This made me uncomfortable. I did nothing to infringe on your rights aside from being born male, why am I confronted with and subjected to rhetoric that marginalizes me and makes me feel guilty about my sex? Not to mention, at a glance it seems like traditional gender roles in dating and romance place women on a pedestal; the man is expected to initiate contact, be funny, charming, the traditional expectation is for a man to pay for the date, etc…

I have to admit, I never really understood feminism. Growing up in a “traditional” household in the 1990’s gender roles weren’t questioned. My dad was the primary breadwinner, my mom worked in a clerical position. The shining example of the post-war family ideal. 

 For International Women’s Day earlier this week I wanted to explore what feminism is, I wanted to point out that the often confrontational positions actually entrench male stereotypical views and further polarize “men vs. women”, counterproductive to making real progress. Of course women’s rights both at home and globally need to improve, but further polarization could not possibly be the answer.

I wanted to point out that it is too easy to point the finger at “men”, when it is not actually me and my “brothers” that created the issue. And that while we are quick to jump to the aid of a woman’s body image, embracing real bodies and decrying the hyper sexualisation of the female form, men are also bombarded with unrealistic body images of six pack abs and chiseled features. While men that objectify women are often looked down on with derision by members of both sexes (“Dude, how could you possibly be that shallow? C’mon, it’s 2016”) it seems I hear “Oh my god, Leo is so yummy!” or some variation on that all the time, never accompanied by the same discussion of “objectification of men”.

The more I dug into feminism, the more I read about feminism, the more I found that I never really understood feminism.

There are still VERY real issues that women face, we cannot belittle this. Women still tend to make less than their male counterparts, although this has improved in the last few decades (the average salary of Canadian women aged 25-34 has increased ~700% faster than men in the same age group). However, the “Stereotype Threat” still keeps girls away from technologies, sciences, and other traditionally male associated professions; the misfounded assertion that math and science are “boy’s subjects” actually leads girls away from these paths further supporting the patriarchal hierarchy in these fields. It’s not that I ever discounted this, it just seems that these issues are relatively minor compared to suffrage, land ownership, access to education, and the other major feminist issues of the last century.

It seemed that “radical feminists” were pursuing ever smaller victories with ever increasing ardour and “penis hate”. Maybe they were, but I never really understood feminism.

I think confusion like mine is what is leading to the creation of “Meninism” and other “men’s rights” groups that don’t necessarily seek to empower, but just to oppose. Well guys, we don’t need “Meninism” because guess what? Feminism already includes us.

I never really understood feminism, maybe I still don’t, but this essay (http://time.com/4215897/alanis-morissette-feminism/) from Alanis Morissette definitely helped my understanding.

Early feminism is focused primarily on women’s rights, on achieving equal status for men and women. In developed nations the first waves of feminism have come and gone, but there are still places in the world where women’s rights are lacking; “Marital Exemption” in rape laws still exist in the world, in Japan women are held to far higher standards than men, even here in North America double standards exist that label some girls as “sluts” while boys may be “players” or “pimp” or some other variation. This inherently is women standing up for women’s rights and is the basis of “First Wave” and “Second Wave” feminism.

But I think the new wave of feminism, or “Third Wave Feminism” is completely different. Instead of men vs. women, it seeks to recognize masculine vs. feminine. The patriarchal society actually marginalizes everyone; traditional gender roles take power over your own life away and set expectations regardless of gender. That men should be engineers, firefighters and construction workers isn’t any more true than that women should be nurses, teachers, and care givers. That men should be stoic, not displaying emotions, pushing them down to eliminate any “weakness” is just as damaging a sentiment as suggesting that a woman should be nurturers and carers sacrificing career to fulfill “female tendencies”.

I never really understood feminism, or how polarizing a discussion could lead to positive results. But realizing that everyone is both masculine and feminine, to varying degrees, and that the feminine form should be embraced and celebrated is something I can understand. That both masculine and feminine NEED to be present and in balance seems natural to me. Taking this stance includes women, men, transgender people, or however you gender identify. It includes heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, or however you sexually identify. It is an inclusive position that seeks to bring people together instead of driving them apart.

I try to live my life by two philosophies (maybe I’ll write about this another time). The first philosophy is: Don’t be a dick. To me this is very far reaching and has extremely wide implications; that’s on purpose. The key thing to remember is, first and foremost, we are all HUMANS. Regardless of gender, sexuality, race, culture, religion, etc.. we are all people first, we all have the same or similar basic needs, and we all share around 99.5% of our DNA. If we can accept this, it doesn’t matter what our beliefs or anything else are, at the very base of it all we all share something in common. Even if we can agree on nothing else, we can agree that we are both human and can recognize that about each other.

This inclusive attitude seems much more productive. We need to work together to discuss how we can change attitudes, how we can eliminate expectations, and how we can make society more tolerant and accepting for everyone. It’s not useful to put “bro’s before hoe’s” or “sista’s before mista’s”, there needs to be a balance, or homie-hoe-stasis… (ha! I love that joke and had to use it…)

I still may not understand feminism, but I am happy to call myself a feminist.

Where are OUR allies?

I'll be the first to admit it. I come from the most over-privileged "class" on earth: the white, Christian (or at least Agnostic), heterosexual male. So much like the Alberta oil workers questioning where Alberta's allies are, I might not get more than a "oh boo-hoo" for questioning where all the allies of today's youth and of the "Millennial" generation are. We are too often called "entitled", "lazy", or "narcissistic", the fact of the matter is that we have different values than the generation before us. The problem is that the world we are inheriting was built by the generations before us, and truthfully, they didn't do a very good job...

But unlike (some of) the Alberta oil workers, I haven't had a chance yet. It's not that I am having something taken away from me, I'm not losing my job, it's that frankly, I never really had the same opportunities to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I've been given "opportunities" aplenty--as I said as a white male I am probably given more opportunities than many of my peers--but at the same time I think I (and many of my peers) have earned the right to look at my position with the same righteous outrage as the oil workers who suddenly find themselves out of work.

I grew up in Squamish, a small town about 45 minutes north of Vancouver. I was always a smart kid, and I took an interest in science at a fairly young age. I remember when I was probably around 7 or 8 one of my daycare providers took us to the public library. Making my way over to the reference section I grabbed the big "C" volume of the Encyclopedia Brittanica (for you kids, its basically a big, non-digital version of Wikipedia. This was before people really had the internet...) and flipped it open to "Cancer" and eagerly began reading convinced that one day I would be a famous scientist or doctor that would cure cancer. This stayed with me as I moved off to Victoria for my bachelors in biochemistry, and I even got my chance to be a real life scientist when I studied Lyme Disease during my masters degree in Calgary. Surely a smart, well educated kid from a privileged class should have nothing to complain about; the stereotypical view of this time of your life is that it should be fun, partying, enjoying life before kids and the greater responsibilities of life come your way.

I don't think that my own "vision" of how my life should be is unreasonable either. Sure I have expectations for my life, someday I'd like to own a home, I'd like to be able to pursue my hobbies, and I do drive a nice car, even if it is a Hyundai. But, I never thought that as a "Master of Science" working in the biotech industry (an industry that is growing at a projected CAGR of 12%, one of the fastest of any industry) I would be living in a dark, poorly maintained basement suite. And NEVER in my wildest dreams did I ever think that as a "professional" in the biotech industry I would be moving out of said basement suite into a house with 7 roommates because I couldn't afford to keep the basement. After 17 years of school and 7 years of paying tuition I am finally earning an income, I have relatively little debt, how is it that I am finding it so hard to live?

There are a couple factors that I think are contributing here. The first, and I know it has been beaten to death, is that unfortunately (and at the same time very, very fortunately) I live in Vancouver. For anyone that has been in a coma for the last year and only just came out of it: First, what the hell are you doing reading a stupid blog by some twenty-something kid? Get out there and enjoy the world again! Second, affordability in Vancouver has been one of the biggest discussions of the last year (which is why I won't talk about it more than this, many more people have written about this in far greater depth with better analysis and discussion than I could). Suffice to say, as a "local" it almost feels like my home has turned its back on me, that factors I couldn't control and could never control have made it so I have to choose between my home, where my family is, and fulfilling my life "goals" (which really, is having a place to live and enough means to support myself really a "goal"?).

The second factor (which I think definitely contributes to the first factor) is basic human greed. Let's get one thing straight right off the bat: Trickle down economics, while a great idea in principle, does not exist. As revenues increase, as profit increases, as corporations are given tax breaks and exploit tax loopholes, all of that money does NOT make its way down to the employees in the mail-room. In every company I've ever worked for it barely makes it out of the executive office, in fact most of it probably makes its way out of the country...

To illustrate the elaborate scam of trickle down economics (without disclosing confidential information), my company made enough PROFIT last year that if it were shared evenly among the employees everyone would get around an extra $100,000; do you think any of us saw a single cent (in the form of a raise, bonus, etc.)? Out of interest we dug out one of my dad's old tax returns from when he was my age. He made the exact same salary in 1986 as I do now.

Over-educated and under-paid seems like an all too common saying these days when referring to our young people. Do you have any idea how many "Dr. So-and-so, PhD"s I know that are not working in their field and making WAYY less than you'd expect? Would you believe me if I told you I know PhD's that make roughly the same as a teenager working at McDonalds? Well it's true... And I'm not even talking about a PhD in philosophy (sorry philosophists...), I am talking about microbiology, neurobiology, biochemistry, the type of people that you'd think should be saving the world from Ebola, Zika virus, or the next super bug that emerges (NDM-1 scares the SHITE outta me).

As a fun exercise one day I sat down and thought about how much I would need to live the rest of my life without working. I decided that I'll probably live until I'm around 80, and $100,000 a year from now to then (~50 years) would likely give me a fairly extravagant lifestyle; at the very least I would be extremely comfortable. Add on top of that a house (lets call that a cool $1M), and maybe a little extra for some toys and fun stuff... It's not unreasonable to say that a person could live extremely comfortably without working a single day in their life with $10M. The fact that some people have accrued orders of magnitude more than this (or that Kanye has lost more than this) is staggering.

When you think about it, what is "wealth"? For the sake of this conversation let's view it like this: Tim chops down a tree, Bob needs some wood so he trades Tim for the wood, but because Bob doesn't have anything that Tim wants they trade "money" so that Tim can go exchange the money in town for a service that he needs or maybe that nice new pair of long underwear with the fancy butt flap that he's had his eye on (run on sentence much? Ha! I'm leaving it.).

In short, we take something from the earth, convert it to "wealth", and spend that wealth on our needs. The oil company takes the oil from the ground and trades it for money which it uses to pay its workers, open more wells, buy excessive amounts of Dove dish detergent to clean up oil soaked wildlife, etc... When you boil down to the very bottom, money is a measure of the resources extracted from the earth and the effort to obtain it. Every dollar in your bank account is a measure of some resource extracted from the earth whether it was here in Canada or in another country (after all, commodities make the world go round).

If we accept that the earth belongs to no one, that it is shared by us all and therefore MUST belong to us all and to future generations as well, this system seems to be unfair. If we consider that taking $10M from the earth seems to be more than enough to live an enviable lifestyle for your entire life and that some people have taken MORE than this we start to get angry. When we realize that the "extra" amount that these people took comes from our share, our children's share, our grand children's share, that the earth won't heal itself unless WE take less (cause we can't really expect those greedy ass-wipes to take less), we start to get furious. Did you read the one about the Chinese billionaire that bought a $170 M painting at auction on his AmEx black card and now has enough points to fly his family first class for free for the rest of their lives (and that's the reason he did it)? Yeah, fuck that guy.

I bet right now the oil workers are sick of hearing "well you should have saved when times were good". That is a pretty uninformed statement. Do you know why a lot of the oil workers are broke right now? Yes, some of them did go buy fancy new trucks, however, when I lived in Calgary it was well known that rent in Fort McMurray was astronomical. Yes, these men and women may have earned a lot of money, but they were squeezed for as much of it as possible. This is why I have sympathy for them, much like them I have a "good" job, but I'm not exactly getting anywhere in my life and I accredit it largely to the "greed" of the people above me (bosses, landlords, etc...).

Over the years what we've basically done is created a great machine where a few people can get to the top and accumulate vast amounts of wealth. The rest of us are given just enough of a taste of the good life. We buy a nice car, or a nice house because that's a reasonable thing to want in your life, and then you're trapped. You can't quit your job where they treat you like shit because you'd lose your income, and they don't pay you enough that you can save anything to do something drastic in your life like changing careers while balancing that mortgage and car payments. So you're (seemingly) stuck.

The sad truth is employers treat employees like shit largely because employees let employers treat them like shit, but that's kinda part of the system. This is akin to hiring a "nanny" and paying them a wage then deducting the entire wage in room and board. People have been arrested for that, seriously, go read the news. And yet we do it to ourselves, and we let our employers do it to us too. (OK, I admit that was an EXTREMELY hyperbolic comparison and there were many other factors in the case I was referring to, but damn who doesn't like a good hyperbole? Anything with the prefix "hyper" is ok in my books: hyperspeed, hyperspace....)

So I ask: where are OUR allies? It seems like every other day I see another blog or news article about the "Millennial Exodus" from Vancouver. With a little searching you can find statements and analyses from politicians, academics, "business people", and while everyone seems to be concerned, no one seems to be able or willing to do anything about it. Thanks Christy, for giving me a tax break on a housing market I can't afford to get into anyways... We acknowledge that wage stagnation and a hot housing market is a serious problem, but what are we actually doing about it?

And when referring to the housing crisis, yes, I agree that it would be unfortunate to wipe out billions of dollars of private capital through policy changes. But what about someone who bought into the stock market just before the recession hit? How much of that sweet, sweet bail-out money went to recovering the money lost in private portfolios? How much are we willing to trade our future to pad the pockets of Vancouver's wealthy "investors"?

Buying into a fluctuating market (stock, housing) at any time is a risk; when it is inflated it is an even bigger risk. An inflated stock market deflates, an inflated housing market deflates or collapses. If the housing market in Vancouver did collapse, I bet we'd figure out really quickly who the real "Vancouverites" are and how much speculation and foreign money parking there is in the market.

I'm no expert, I have no idea what to do. I'm just another twenty-something year old who feels like their home has turned its back on them. I'm frustrated and I'm starting to wonder, like many others my age, if I shouldn't just leave for the US, for Europe, for anywhere but here. And while I feel sympathy for Alberta, a place I called home for almost 5 years, please don't look west thinking that we can help you. I assure you, we've got problems of our own.

How to meet people at a party

It's kind of funny. I don't consider myself a "partier", I actually consider myself fairly socially anxious and generally not good at meeting and connecting with people. Yet one of the most common things I hear is "I won't know anyone at that party..." or "I'm not good at meeting new people". And you know what? I get it. It wasn't that long ago that parties were incredibly hard for me.

Parties can be a stressful time for anyone. Chances are there are tens, if not hundreds, of people there, most of whom you don't know. Add on top of that some sort of expectation of meeting new people and socializing with complete strangers who you seemingly have nothing in common with. And, if you're single for whatever reason we place some weird thought that we are going to meet the partner of our dreams at a party (Ha! Thanks for that one TV...). We put so much pressure in our heads of our own expectations to socialize, and even what the evening should turn out like. With so much pressure its obvious why parties can be so stressful for most people.

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A little over a year ago I went through a HUGE change in my life. I had recently finished school and moved to Vancouver. Transitioning from "student" to "employee" was definitely difficult to get used to (I still haven't figured it out...) and after years of being in a relationship and having "couple friends" I found myself in a new city with a very small social circle.

For those of you who don't know me that well, I had (and still do have) tons of self esteem and social anxiety problems. I didn't think I was good enough, so how could some random stranger possibly see anything but the bad parts of me, which in my opinion were so glaringly obvious. Going to a party seemed way too daunting, and talking to strangers while trying to cover and hide my insecurities seemed like way too much energy. I was afraid and my social anxieties were preventing me from growing as a person.

A good friend of mine from high-school had invited me to a party. I was nervous, I didn't know anyone else at this party and I've never been great at meeting people at parties. At the time I didn't feel that good about myself, and if I didn't like myself how could I possibly be good enough for other people to like me? I was afraid of being judged and I was letting that fear control my social experiences. I've got to admit, I almost bailed--I'd bailed on previous parties before that one--but with great trepidation I headed off to the party to try and have fun...

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It's easy to see how when we place so much pressure on "having fun" at a party we make it extremely difficult to have fun. Add on top of that our fear of being judged and our own social anxieties and insecurities and going to a party may seem incredibly daunting. Removing some of our expectations definitely makes this easier, and beyond that there are "tricks" to make the party easier for you.

Let's deal with one fallacy now: for the most part people aren't judging you. Well they are, but they are only judging you as much as you judge them. As long as you are a decent human being chances are you will pass their initial "test". But here is the big point: the only person you are not good enough for is you. Even if you meet someone and you feel judged by them, don't worry about that asshat. Besides, you don't want to be friends with a judgemental dick face that you're constantly trying to impress anyways. The trick will be to find the people that "fit" you (don't try to be someone you're not just to impress people) and not worry about the people that don't; the people you want to be friends with will be accepting of you.

Some people really are just good at meeting new people, just walking up to random people and starting a conversation. I know, I'm jealous of it too. You hear things like "oh he's just naturally social" or "she was always a social butterfly when she was a kid". Well, as far as I know there is no "social gene", these people are good conversationalists because they've had a lot of practice. If they were outgoing kids, they've been talking to people, and often "random people", their whole lives. The rest of us, well we have a little more difficulty doing this.

I know it's difficult. It still makes me laugh a little when I hear things like "well it's easy for you, you're a social person..." or "you make it look so easy, I can't do that...". Honestly, not that long ago neither could I. Here are some of the things that I have done and how I "survive" at a party; I've managed to meet a lot of amazing people this way and grown my friends from one person to an entire network (and in fact, now a few different "groups" of friends). I don't know if this is the best advice for everyone, it works for me, and hopefully it will help anyone who doesn't "know how to talk to random people at parties".

1. Make goals for the party... then throw them away

I've gotta admit, I did some reading before writing this post to see what other people recommend for "surviving an adult party". Most of what I read had at least one recommendation in common: have a goal for the evening. For example, if you want to meet new people set a goal of talking to "x" number of strangers throughout the evening. That way you can take your mind off of the stresses of the situation and focus on your goal.

Personally, I think this is a dumb idea. Having a goal for the party only sets expectations and adds to the stresses of going to the party in the first place. So take any expectations you have for any party and throw them away. I tend to go to a party with the attitude of "let's see where the night takes me" and I usually come away from parties having had a TON of fun. So take any expectations and throw them away, give in to the idea that you can't really control anything that happens at the party, and you especially can't control what other people think. So you have a choice to make: give into your fear and stay home, or let go of your fear and expectations and go in with the mindset of just "experiencing something new".

2. Have a "Thunder Buddy"

Having a friend (or a few friends) at a party makes it significantly easier. Now you have a friendly face, someone that you are comfortable with, to make sure that the party is a fun experience for both of you. A drinking buddy, a conversation partner, a lifeline to provide a bubble of comfort in this stressful, chaotic environment. The goal is to throughout the night to build additional "anchor points"  to make the evening easier; if you can start out with a friendly face already there, the party can become significantly easier for you.

3. Make like a root beer and float

It is important to have a Thunder Buddy (or several) at a party so that you have some friendly faces to provide comfort. However, it is easy to then segregate yourself off and just stay with your friends, and while this is comfortable, you are effectively letting your fear prevent you from different experiences.

Personally, I think it is important to "float" through a party; bounce from group to group, meeting people, having interesting conversations, and generally just seeing where the evening takes me. I know, this is the difficult part, to leave the comfort of your friend(s) and put yourself out there for people to potentially "judge". Plus how do you even start a conversation with someone that you apparently have nothing in common with?

Well, I hate to break it to you, but this is the hard part. Everything we've talked about up till now has been about tempering expectations, giving you the tools you need to succeed, and now it's time to put them to work. Don't worry, this isn't (hopefully) just another "suck it up you wuss, just magically change the way you think instantly and go talk to people". Well, your brain doesn't work like that. My brain doesn't work like that. I can't just "switch off" my anxieties, but I do have tools to deal with them.

Also, usually there is lots of stuff going on at a party. Getting in on a game of flip cup or beer pong, or even just watching these games, is an easy, low pressure way to meet people. You'll never be involved in these things if you stand in the corner by yourself all night!

4. The art of entering a conversation

Starting a conversation is hard. I'm a reasonably social person now (I wasn't a year ago), but even I have trouble walking up to a complete stranger and saying something more interesting than "Nice weather we're having huh?". But there are tricks, ESPECIALLY at a party.

The easiest way is to join a conversation that is already going. Find a group of people that are already in conversation (a "medium" sized group will probably work best) and join them, wait until a breaking point in the conversation then turn to the person next to you and say "Sorry, I didn't catch your name, I'm Nick." Well guess what, you just introduced yourself to someone AND "broke the ice" to start a new conversation all in one easy little sentence. On top of that you didn't have to put pressure on yourself to think of something witty or interesting and the conversation can naturally go from there. Not to mention, you can probably find a tangent from the original topic to start your new conversation.

Finding a random topic of conversation that you are both interested in is never easy. Well that is where story telling comes in. When you are telling a story, you don't have to be particularly insightful, you don't even have to think that much because you are basically just remembering something that happened. And it will (usually) keep someone engaged with what you are saying. If you joined a conversation you may even have a story that is relevant to the topic. The funny thing is, if you share a story, chances are, the other person will then share a related story with you. Don't look now, but you have a full blown conversation going!

These conversations will go easier as time goes on; remember, even the people who seem really good at conversations are only really good because they have had more practice! You might not be comfortable sharing a story or really going beyond small talk at first, and that is OK too. These first conversations often aren't about making lasting connections, they are a feeling out process for both you and the other person. You don't have to be best friends after a 5 minute conversation, but hopefully you now have at least another friendly-ish face at the party.

5. "What was your name again?"

Not everyone you talk to will be a perfect (or even a good) mesh with you and your personality. However, there will be some people that seem like really cool or really good people that you get along with. Jackpot! Those are the exact people you came here to meet! The first thing I can suggest is to make an effort to learn (and remember) their name. I am terrible with names, especially at parties (I know a lot of people are the same way). When I meet someone that seems like a cool person, I make an effort to learn and remember their name so that if I see them later in the evening I can say "Hey Derek! How's the party going?" or something along those lines. In my mind, I have differentiated them from all the other people at the party and am moving on to the next step of "friendship". Funny thing, people are generally a LOT more accepting and friendly when you make an effort to be friendly with them. Making the effort to remember someone's name is definitely a friendly gesture on your part and will help you make connections at the party.

As you make these connections, it has an "unexpected" but obvious side effect. Remember how we talked about how it is good to have Thunder Buddies? Well guess what, now that you've made a more significant connection with this awesome person that used to be a stranger, you have a new Thunder Buddy for the evening!

6. Escape as needed

Here's another blatant truth: not all conversations are going to be "fun" or "easy". You don't have to be everyone's friend, you just may not have a lot in common with someone, or you may find that their personality just rubs you the wrong way (or yours them). I placed so much importance in bouncing from group to group on meeting people and having a "successful" party for yourself because it kind of is a numbers game. The more people you talk to the more likely it is that you meet someone awesome!

You definitely don't want to talk to people until you reach a point where you are just standing looking at each other until one of you inevitably says "Well, I'm leaving now...". Even conversations with friends will eventually peter out. Having a couple tricks to get away from a conversation is good too.

First, don't just dip mid conversation. That's just rude. Wait for a natural break in conversation, then throw out one of these beauts...

"Aw man, I need to grab a new drink. I'll catch up with you later"

"I need to find where [insert friends name] went, talk later?"

"Aw man, I should have never broken the seal!! Nice chatting with you, see you around!"

"I'm starting to get a little cold, I think I'm going to head inside"

Or something along those lines. The point is two-fold: if you're trying to be social, standing around making awkward small talk with the same person all night is not social. On top of that, if you are trying to have fun, standing around making awkward small talk with the same person all night is not fun. Don't try to push conversations too far, when you feel like it is time to move on, politely excuse yourself and move on.

7. Use your anchors

 By the middle of the evening you've hopefully found at least one or two people that you're semi-comfortable walking up to and asking how its going, as well as your friends that you came with. Well, this is where we start putting it together: you just left a conversation that wasn't going too well, looking for something new you see your friend talking to a couple people, you walk over, wait for a break, ask your friend how its going, and (s)he introduces you to the new group. See how it gets easier? This is the importance of anchor points and of not bunching up at the party. Approach the party this way and your network will grow exponentially. At the next party instead of 1 or 2 anchor points, you have 5 or 6 and can easily bounce between different groups of people as you please.

8. Be awesome

This is another point that may seem a little wishy washy. What I mean here is try your best NOT to judge. Remember that each of these people are not you. They have their own morals and ideals, they had their own upbringings, and they have their own foibles and insecurities. Nobody wants to be judged, but my theory is when you feel judged by someone, it is then going to be your tendency to judge others to try and pump yourself up in your own mind ("I'm not that bad, I'm clearly better than that guy!"). Try and approach every situation with no expectations and an appreciation for the fact that everyone is different. You don't necessarily have to agree with them, but you do have to respect that they are not a clone of you.

This alone will go a LONG way towards earning other people's respect and friendship. This will make them more comfortable with you (remember it's a two way street) and will make those conversations easier. Remember, as cliche as it is "treat others the way you'd wish to be treated" is especially true. Don't waste your time on people that aren't awesome, but at the same time, don't expect people to waste their time on you if you are not awesome. The cold truth is that no one wants to be friends with a negative, judgemental douche.

As you become more comfortable your personality will shine through. Embrace it. Are you the dance machine? Go for it! Like telling jokes and making people laugh? Let that side of you shine through! People won't remember the menial small talk, they will remember the small moments that make the night "epic" like that crazy battle rap or that guy that randomly started doing back flips. As you feel more and more comfortable don't be afraid to let some of your personality shine through. This is where parties go from a "stressful experience" to insanely fun.

9. Say goodbye

This last one is just something that I do, I think it makes a difference. In fact maybe I shouldn't tell you this secret and just keep it for myself, but I think it makes a difference. This is the easiest one to do too: say goodbye. If I've met someone at a party who I think is an awesome person, I make a point of going to them at the end of the night and saying goodbye.

It's kind of weird, I've actually read advice that says specifically NOT to do this as it leaves the evening on a "down" note. By announcing that you are leaving you are affecting the energy negatively, if you slip away without people noticing the energy goes unchanged. I see where this is coming from, but I still don't agree. Thinking that just me leaving could effect a party that much is incredibly egotistical. I mean, I am full of myself, but I am not that full of myself...

I like to say goodbye to people because for me it's a way of showing that the time I spent with that person is more meaningful than the other interactions that I had that night. It's a way of showing respect; that I enjoyed spending time with you so I want to go out of my way to demonstrate that in some way. It also has two other benefits: 1. It lets you tie up any loose ends throughout the evening, like trading numbers with that awesome dude so that the two of you can go climbing sometime, and 2. As I mentioned, by showing the other person that respect, you will stick out in their mind as an awesome person the next time you meet.

In fact, I didn't even think of this one until the last party I went to, I went to say goodbye to a friend and her response was "Aww... You actually came down to say goodbye!". I didn't even realize it, but something so simple as saying goodbye to someone can mean a lot.

Once you have a few friendly faces at a party it becomes significantly easier to float around and meet new people. You might not always know everyone at a party, and you may even find yourself at a few parties where you know no one. It's not easy, but this is what I did to grow my group of friends and have been lucky enough to meet LOTS of interesting people at parties. If you have trouble talking to people at parties hopefully some of these things will work for you. And if you see me at a party, come say hi! I'll introduce you to some people...

The Best Year Of My Life

I know, I know. I haven't written anything in a while and now it looks like I am gearing up to write a January/New Year  "I love my life here's my resolutions" mush fest. Well I kinda am, so I don't really have a comeback for that, but I think I learned some very important lessons in 2015 that have changed my life. Yes, like a lot of people in January every year, I think last year WAS the best year of my life. It was certainly a very challenging year. And I definitely learned a lot.

For me, 2015 was a year of "finding myself" (I know you're probably now picturing me sitting barefoot, crosslegged on a log holding an acoustic guitar, while people play hacky sack around my and one dude slack lines in the background). I faced a lot of challenges in 2015, and I am still facing them; 2015 was only the beginning and I'm looking forward to making 2016 just as good.

Looking back quickly in reflection, it is easy to say that 2015 is going to be hard to top. I learned a LOT about love and what I need in a relationship. I learned about what I need to be happy in a career. I came to new perspectives about life and how I want to "build" myself as a person. I lost a LOT of weight and gained more confidence in myself as a person. Most importantly I found the most AMAZING new group of friends who have really helped me remember what it is like to feel "worthy" as a person and I love all of them. My friends have helped change my life more than anything in 2015. I know that I could never thank them enough or repay them for what they have done for me, but really, that's what friends are for, all I can do is show them the same respect and try to be as much of a positive in their lives as they are in mine.

I don't believe in resolutions. I think resolutions are stupid promises you make to yourself in the beginning of the year with really no intention of keeping them. Most resolutions are broken and discarded long before February ever gets here. So why resolve to change only once a year and then abandon it as quick as you made that resolution? You'll never improve as a person that way! For me I think it's more effective to take a list of lessons that I learned in the last year and apply them to make the next year better.

2015 is going to be hard to top, and in fact I'm not even going to try. I'm going to make 2016 awesome in it's own right. I'm going to try to keep improving as a person so that at the end of 2016 I can look back and again call it "one of the best years of my life". 2015 was just the beginning, I have big plans for 2016. Here's some of the things that I learned last year, and some of the ideas that I am taking forward to make 2016 great!

1. Surrender to the moment

At the risk of sounding a little bit like a "hippy" or however you want to caricaturize this sentiment, one thing that I need to try and do more of is "surrender to the moment". I don't think that this means to be oblivious to everything else past and future going on in your life. Nor do I think that this means you are simply "going as the wind takes you", but that your mind is in the moment 100% of the time.

An interesting thought that I read recently is that your "soul" traps energies when you resist them, and keeps these impressions inside you. When the asshole cuts you off on the highway, you're not just mad at that asshole, you're all of a sudden mad at all the assholes that have ever cut you off (the "imprinted" energy being agitated inside you) and your anger is now directed at this particular asshole. Your mind is no longer present in the moment but thinking of the asshole that cut you off last week, imagining what you want to say to this asshole that just cut you off. You are no longer in the moment and are not able fully deal with the next moment when it comes (a really good read, although a little "spiritual" is The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, I really recommend it). If you can relax, and let the energy pass through you (you still experience it, but don't cling to it so the issue doesn't compound itself), you will be more clear to deal with the next moment, and less reactive the next time someone cuts you off.

For me these "stored energies" have the power to ruin a mood, ruin a day, sometimes ruin a week. Learning to let go of these energies so that I can "be in the moment" and deal with whatever is at hand is something I need to get better at in 2016, and although this is something that I only came to think late last year, I consider it one of the ways that I learned to deal with my life in 2015. This is definitely one thing I will continue to work on, not just in the interest of happiness, but in the interest of being able to deal with my life rationally and positively rather than reactionary (which is how I think I have been living). The key is to realize that I am not my emotions, I am not the sum of all the times I have been cut off, I am only experiencing the anger of being cut off and I can either choose to hold on to that anger and keep it in me, or experience it and let it go.

2. DON'T trust in the world around you

I think this is a HUGE trap, or at least it was for me. The trap was "You don't need to have everything figured out, just study hard and you'll be fine". Well for me, the problem was I never really stopped to think where I was headed, my thoughts were always "Well if I ensure that I am interested in the journey, I'll be interested in the end". Driving East from Vancouver you get to see the spectacular Fraser Valley, next the Okanagan lakes, then the Rocky Mountains. But if you keep driving toward Winnipeg, well, eventually you end up in Winnipeg...


The truth is you don't have to know exactly where you're going, but it's a good to have an idea of what you want to do when you get there. If you want to go skiing, you probably shouldn't drive to Vegas (although I'm sure there probably is skiing in Vegas...). I don't think our schools, our mentors, etc... do a good enough job of preparing us for the real world. And the truth is being smart and working hard simply aren't good enough, you still can and will make wrong turns. You need to know yourself and what you want in life; if you have an idea of the destination, it doesn't matter the path you take, you can always find a way, but if you don't know the destination you will always be lost.

"For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something." - Steve Jobs

The world around you does not exist to make you happy. It doesn't show you the way to live, and for the most part, it won't show you how to be "successful". In fact, for the most part, the world--or more accurately the people--are actively taking more than they need, making the world a worse place for everyone but themselves, and there is no "sharing" even though they took more than they can possibly use in this lifetime. If I met a person that personified this I would not trust them at all, yet we trust that because of this system we built, everything will be OK. I think it's time I started thinking more for myself and trust less that corporations and companies ever have my best interest in mind.

3. Be more creative

I think people are a naturally creative species. Some people "seem" more creative as they are better artists, musicians, writers, etc... but there is (in my opinion) just as much creativity in a well thought out business plan, a well designed experiment, or a tricky piece of computer code. For me, when I get a chance to be creative I feel more fulfilled, I feel more satisfied with what I've done, and I'm more engaged while I'm doing it.


This actually really ties in to the point above. One question I struggled with is "Who is Nick?". Let me tell you, as someone who suffered from lack of self esteem, lack of self confidence, and would routinely (and still do) put on a "character" to try and impress people, to be accepted. One side effect of doing this for many years is truthfully I am not sure that I know who "Nick" is anymore. But one thing that I am kind of excited about is figuring that out again and working to make myself a more "round person". Being creative gives me an outlet to explore myself more, and as long as I am doing this for me and my own enjoyment it can be an avenue for growth instead of a source of anxiety.


In my mind, creative outlets let you discover who you really are. It let's you explore things you like, it let's you look closely at things you admire, and it provides an avenue for continuous self improvement (if you wish to take it). Admittedly I had this all wrong the whole time. I always looked at creative outlets as something to be "good" at, something you could point to as a skill to try and impress people. Doing this actually invites people to judge you, and it does nothing to help "find yourself" if the reason is external. This is the trap I want to avoid in 2016; I have a few creative projects that I am working on for the first half of 2016, stay tuned if you are interested!

4. Be around good people

2015 was in some ways particularly hard because my entire life was turned upside down. I don't want to talk about this now, people close to me don't need to hear the story. Regardless, I found myself in a new city, with almost no friends, on my own. At the time, I had very little self confidence, very little self esteem, and to tell the truth, I was scared of being judged, of not feeling good enough, and I didn't want to put myself in that position.

Well let's tackle one fallacy right there. You are good enough. I was good enough. The only person I wasn't good enough for was me. And now that I have more self confidence and I know that the majority of people I meet are delighted by me (I'm a delightful person OK?), I don't really waste the mental energy on people that I'm "not good enough for". Why would I want to hang out with them if I'm not good enough anyways? That seems like an awful lot of energy trying to impress someone all the time.

This also doesn't mean that you should just find people that accept you for you and become complacent. Good people will push you to be the best you you can be. They will inspire you to be a better person, to be more accepting, to grow as an individual, to grow your individuality, to be more driven. The people closest to you will rub off on you, their ideals and passions will reinforce your own, but you are still responsible for your own growth.

To tell the truth, one of the things that rattled me the most was when I was told that my conversation was not interesting by a random stranger at a party (it also didn't help that it was an attractive girl, but that SHOULDN'T be a factor at all...). I realized the next day that it really was a superficial conversation, the conversational equivalent of empty calories. In fact, I wouldn't even remember the conversation if I hadn't been called un-interesting to my face. This has forced me to look inward at myself in an attempt to be less "superficial", to have more meaningful interactions and connections with the people I meet, and ultimately become a more "interesting" person.

5. Have a sense of "wander"

 Another trap that I got caught in is the gigantic lie of capitalism. OK, maybe not a giant lie to every one, but to me, for my own reasons, it is. The lie is that to be successful you need to have the big house, nice car, expensive TV, etc... Now you can't afford to quit that job that you hate because how would you pay for this life that you've built? It's a destructive hole to get sucked into, and feeling trapped is never pleasant. Let's not forget that if you are an employee somewhere, capitalism does NOT exist to make you (the employee) rich, it exists to make the shareholders rich. It's not fair that you're doing a ton of work and making money for your company and still only getting $40k a year. Sorry, that's how it is now. That's the world that capitalism built (OK, enough of my cynical views).

For me at least, it took looking outside this system to see that it's not really necessary. I realized that I could quit my job tomorrow, throw my stuff in storage, and go live in Mexico for a month VERY EASILY. If that's not privilege I don't know what is (and in fact, I'm planning on doing exactly this sometime this year). It took traveling to Mexico and seeing outside the system to realize that I am 28, I am young and fortunate enough to have realized that I have a choice to make at this point in life. I can dedicate my life to trying to get ahead in this rat race, or I can choose myself and enjoy the time that I have on Earth.

Looking around me, everything I see right now is a human construct. The computer I am typing on, the walls around me, the chair that I am sitting in; and in fact they are specific constructs of this "system" that I seem to have so much animosity for. Right now I cannot see the Earth, at all. I can't see outside this little bubble that I am in right now. It is hard to have perspective when you can't see anything else to give perspective.

The point is, it is easy to feel trapped when you can't see anything else, can't see a way out, and have little to no perspective. Having a sense of "wander" can help keep that perspective. Things that seem like a big deal within the walls of our bubble are not as big as we thought when we take a step back. You are the one that is trapping yourself, accepting that weekdays should be spent slaving at your job and weekends spent acquiring, using, or dealing with "stuff". Camping for a weekend easily shows that we don't need "stuff" to survive or even be happy. Plus I happen to live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, why shouldn't I take more time to appreciate it? Whether it is visiting different countries, camping for a weekend, or even just seeking out new and different experiences within the city, it is important to keep different perspectives in mind in order to deal with our own stresses and anxieties.

6. Take time to reflect

 What happens when we get lost? We stop, we look around to see if there is anything we recognize, then we come up with a plan on how to improve our situation (Can I find my way out? Is there a trail to follow? Should I build a shelter?). To be truthful, if we had stopped periodically and took note of what's around us and the direction we came we probably would not be lost in the first place. Not to mention if we had stopped and looked around we would have seen that really beautiful waterfall and could have gone and seen it.

The point is that reflection is important, and I think it's too often overlooked. I talked about "knowing the destination" but you can't really know the destination if you don't know where you have been and are ambivalent to your experiences in getting there. This I think will be my biggest tool in growing as a person. "Who am I?" and "How can I be a better me?" are two questions I want to ask myself more frequently in 2016.


So, sorry if this turned into a "I love my life!!! OMG IT'S SOO AMAZEBALLS!!!11!!1" post but that's what you get. Another thing I want to do in 2016 is start writing more, I make no promises as I do have some fairly ambitious projects that I want to undertake this year. That said, I'd love to hear from you guys, let me know if you'd like me to write about something else, or if you just wanna grab coffee or something sometime. I'm not sure what I want this blog to turn into to be honest with you, but I am kind of interested to see where it goes...