To me, the best way to describe depression is you lose your passion. Things that you enjoyed you don't enjoy anymore. You stop caring, about people, about work, about school, about yourself. You give up, you feel like life is pointless, you stop enjoying everything. You feel helpless, you feel like no one understands you, you feel alone.
Or at least that was my experience.
We all seem to know someone who has suffered with depression. Yet the word depression is still so taboo. If you are depressed, you don't want to tell anyone because of the stigma associated with the word; "mental illness" means crazy right? You don't really want that social interaction anyways and you probably try to deal with it on your own.
For me, I didn't even know know I was depressed. I didn't know or understand what depression was. I just knew I wasn't happy, I was never happy. I had already given up but I didn't realize it because I could escape into the world of TV, video games, and the internet; these things didn't really make me happy but at least they can kill time. Then I came across a video published by a YouTuber called Hutch.
Before I watched this video, depression was what other people went through, not me. To me depression was associated with suicide. I wasn't suicidal, so how could I possibly be depressed? Understanding the breadth of what depression is isn't easy, and it's something that is constantly being redefined. That's not something I understood.
For me, even understanding it didn't help. Even realizing you're depressed doesn't help because it doesn't change the way you feel. The biochemistry in your brain doesn't change just because you know it's messed up. But what I eventually came to understand was that if I wanted to get out of it I would need to push myself a little bit at a time. Reconnect with people socially, start being more active with sports and the things that I used to enjoy. Understand that some days you just wont want to do it, you can't do it, you need to retreat and withdraw and that's OK. But little by little push yourself and really start enjoying things again.
For me, realizing I was depressed was the turning point; realizing led to wanting to do something about it.
This week being the anniversary of Robin Williams' suicide has made me reflect on my own experiences. I've always looked up to Robin Williams, I've always found his humor and his stand up funny and he has definitely influenced my sense of humor. But what I connect with now more than anything is that even if you are laughing and joking on the outside, it can just be a wall, you could be a completely different person when you are "switched off", and you might be really hurting inside. I really identify with that.
In marking this anniversary I want to encourage discussion and understanding about depression. I hope that sharing my experience and my thoughts might help someone else understand what they are going through. Or if you are depressed, I hope that you can find that passion again, that you can enjoy life again, and although I am not arrogant enough to think that this blog post can help you get through anything, but if you can take comfort in these words and hearing my story I am truly honored. The more we all understand, the better equipped we are to support the people we love, or help ourselves when we get depressed.
And although I still don't see any point in life, I'm going to enjoy it while I'm here.
